The first 5 or 6 days I had to respond that I honestly didn't really know. I didn't see them much except for maybe a couple hours in the morning.
Chris was the one who told Callie that Bops went to heaven. He told her right away- the day it happened. She didn't really have any questions for him, and was distracted by her toys. I mentioned it briefly to her the next morning, and said it was okay to have questions and it was okay to be sad. She was still pretty quiet.
I didn't hear much from her for a few days. One evening she saw me crying a little bit when I was on the phone with Chris, and said "Who else died?" I told her that I was just sad about Bops. She said "Why? You'll see him when you die." I didn't really have a good response to that besides "I know, but I'll miss him when I'm here."
So I honestly don't really know what she thinks or what she knows (though it appears she knows more than I thought she did). But I'm trying to be as open with her as I can, and I'm not trying to hide my tears if they come when she is around. As for her behavior and attitude, she continues to be 5-going-on-15, but still her same goofy self.
Maya...dear Maya...has no idea what is going on. Except maybe she kind of does. There were a few mornings in a row- the mornings of the visitation, funeral, and burial- where she just screamed while we were trying to get ready and head out the door. Even though she couldn't possibly know specifically what happened, it seemed like she could definitely sense that we were sad and stressed. It also didn't help that she was battling a brutal cold/cough virus at the same time all of this happened.
She seems to have gotten over it now, and has been perfectly lovely and adorable as usual.
Honestly, the girls are getting me through this. I have to show up for them. I have to wake up with them, and feed them, and bathe them, and play with them. It hasn't been easy and my patience has been short. But I'm trying to give myself a little grace.
They got me out to smell my favorite flowers over the weekend, which happened to bloom last week.
Gratitude.
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