The Girls

One of the questions I get asked a lot these days is "How are the girls?"

The first 5 or 6 days I had to respond that I honestly didn't really know.  I didn't see them much except for maybe a couple hours in the morning. 

Chris was the one who told Callie that Bops went to heaven. He told her right away- the day it happened.  She didn't really have any questions for him, and was distracted by her toys.  I mentioned it briefly to her the next morning, and said it was okay to have questions and it was okay to be sad. She was still pretty quiet.

I didn't hear much from her for a few days.  One evening she saw me crying a little bit when I was on the phone with Chris, and said "Who else died?"  I told her that I was just sad about Bops.  She said "Why? You'll see him when you die." I didn't really have a good response to that besides "I know, but I'll miss him when I'm here."

So I honestly don't really know what she thinks or what she knows (though it appears she knows more than I thought she did). But I'm trying to be as open with her as I can, and I'm not trying to hide my tears if they come when she is around. As for her behavior and attitude, she continues to be 5-going-on-15, but still her same goofy self.

Maya...dear Maya...has no idea what is going on.  Except maybe she kind of does.  There were a few mornings in a row- the mornings of the visitation, funeral, and burial- where she just screamed while we were trying to get ready and head out the door.  Even though she couldn't possibly know specifically what happened, it seemed like she could definitely sense that we were sad and stressed. It also didn't help that she was battling a brutal cold/cough virus at the same time all of this happened.

She seems to have gotten over it now, and has been perfectly lovely and adorable as usual.

Honestly, the girls are getting me through this.  I have to show up for them.  I have to wake up with them, and feed them, and bathe them, and play with them.  It hasn't been easy and my patience has been short.  But I'm trying to give myself a little grace.

They got me out to smell my favorite flowers over the weekend, which happened to bloom last week.

Gratitude.

Happy Birthday Papa (yesterday) and Pa (today)!

We hope you both had a wonderful birthday!

We love you!

Mother's Day

The last week and a half passed in a blur...a blur in which I had no idea what day it was or what was happening the next day.  Or next hour.  We would drive somewhere at 5:00 and I'd be confused about why there was so much traffic, and then realize it was a Wednesday, and most people were going about their regular lives.

It is so confusing...disorienting...when your regular life gets completely turned upside down all of a sudden.  It doesn't make sense to you that other people are still able to live their "normal," when you and your family aren't.

So here we are, today, on Mother's Day.  Our first family holiday without Dad. 

We met at Mari's apartment at 9:30, and then went to walk around the nature center nearby.  It was a chilly (but beautiful) morning.  The girls loved running around the paths and exploring the fallen trees.

We walked almost a mile (maybe?), and took a girls picture on our way out.

We picked up lunch from the co-op, and then Chris and I brought the girls home for toddler nap time.

This afternoon, my mom, sisters, Callie and I treated ourselves to pedicures.

Then I got some quiet time with my two crazies at home. I apologize in advance for the "see food" pictures.  They were excited about their new gluten-free cereal bar snacks.

Tonight we went over to have dinner with G-ma, Pa, Nana, Papa, Dan, Hanna, Boom and Auntie Cat.

Our "normal" lives start again tomorrow.  Both Chris and I go back to work.  Maya is going to Boom's.  Callie is going to preschool. 

But we know that now all the things we had to focus on are done, we have to start figuring out a NEW normal.  And that sucks big time.

I'm not sure what the new normal will be on this blog, but I do know that I won't be able to go back to business as usual right away.  So, while I still plan to post regularly, I don't think it will be any TBTs, FTPDFs or Weekend Wrap-Ups.  I can't go back to a normal that doesn't really exist any more.  At least not yet.

I hope all the wonderful mothers out there had a lovely day.  We are blessed with so many great women in our lives, and I'm thankful for that.

Happy Mother's Day.

All the Good

This had been the hardest 9 days my family has ever been through. And that is the most ridiculous of understatements. In the past four days we viewed my dad's body, hosted a 3 hour visitation, attended his funeral and reception, and buried his ashes at the cemetery.

I can't even begin to process all that we have gone through during those experiences. But throughout this whole experience of losing my dad so suddenly and unexpectedly, there have been amazing moments of good. Those are the moments I can write about now.

We have received so much food, including this amazing Lutheran-style comfort food, that has sustained us and our extended family for 9 days.

G-ma, Pa, Auntie Cat, and Hanna, who lovingly stepped in to provide comfort, somewhat normal routines, and familiarity for the girls when we were unable to do so. 

Our family- so many amazing family members dropped everything to come from near and far and surrounded us with love.

Our friends- who sent texts and messages and brought food and came to clean our house and planted beautiful new flowers in our pots. So many amazing friends who surrounded us with love.

These girls who brought smiles to our faces when it seemed impossible.

And tonight. A beautiful night out with a big group of family. We walked, and ate, and drank, and laughed, and played, and cried, and danced.

Those sun rays appeared in a lot of the pictures I took tonight. It made me think that Dad was there. And then, a bird pooped on Josh, and we all laughed and it was confirmed that Dad was definitely with us. 

Tonight the girls had some quiet play time before bed.

And there were those sun rays again.

The days and weeks and months ahead will be hard. We all know it. But Dad taught us patience. And showed us how to be calm. And how to have faith.  And lived a life of gratitude.

And because of all we learned from him, we know that we will be okay.

This Week

This is the afternoon of the sixth day that Dad has been gone. It is hard to imagine that it has already been that long.

Tonight we begin the process of saying goodbye. We will go to the funeral home and see his body before it gets creamated. There are so many emotions and mostly my heart is screaming to not go. But my mind knows that in order to start this process- in order to believe that this awful thing really happened- I have to go.

I want you to know that we have felt the prayers and love that so many have been sending our way. We know we are in the hearts and minds of many and are so grateful for all of the love and support. 

Though I have not had my camera as readily available as usual, I have managed to get some pictures.

Here is the link to his obituary: http://m.startribune.com/obituaries/detail/77959/?fullname=lee-a-henderson

This week will be a whirlwind of grief and family and exhaustion and friends and peace.

And gratitude.

Uncertainty

I'm not quite sure what to do.  None of us know what to do now.

We are in the midst of making plans, writing remembrances, making decisions that we never thought we'd have to make at this point in our lives.

The world as we knew it is completely gone, and we are left to work through some pretty strong and (I'm going to be frank, here) shitty feelings, and ultimately find a new normal.

I'm not sure what that means for this little blog, or how I will use it to cope with my grief.  I have always joked that I used this blog kind of like my therapy, and maybe it will still be used for that. 

I have no idea.

Those are all the words I can write now.  I was going to try and find some pictures of him and the girls, but I just can't go there yet.

So hang in there with me for the time being, if you can.  I promise you will still see pictures of two adorable little girls who continue to put smiles on our faces despite this terrible heartache.

And just so you know, even in the midst of this sadness, we have amazing moments of peace and comfort.

At the exact second I took this picture, Callie looked up.  I'd like to think she was saying hello to her Bops.

My Dad

This blog has always been a space for me to record and remember real time events in our lives, good and heartbreaking. 

I'm sure many people have heard the sad news that my dad passed away suddenly yesterday at the age of 59.

There are no words to explain how my family and I are feeling. But during this intense time of grief, one thing we do feel is overwhelming gratitude for having a dad/husband/father-in-law/Bops who meant so much to so many people. We also feel overwhelming gratitude for the outpouring of love and support we have received in the two short days he has been gone.

Information about the visitation and service will be available in the Star Tribune on Sunday, with a full obituary on Tuesday.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the thoughts and prayers. They have brought us comfort and peace and we truly are grateful.

I'd like to leave you with an article

that was posted about my dad today.

https://www.minnpost.com/arts-culture/2015/05/remembering-orchestra-advocate-lee-henderson