Callie and Bops

These past nine months my 5-turned-6 year old has had to navigate the sudden and very confusing death of her Bops.

Lately, she has talked a lot about death. She jokes about "being dead." She uses the word "dead" a lot, actually.

I don't make a big deal about it. Partly because I think she is trying to get a reaction, and partly because I think she is really thinking about that word and trying to make sense of it in her brain. 

There are times when we are outside, that  Callie yells up to the sky, "BOPS!  CAN YOU HEAR ME?"  I tell her that he can, but he can't respond.  I remind her that he says hi to us with sunrays.

Earlier this week she asked me if kids ever die.

And my heart sank because I couldn't lie to my 6-year-old, but I didn't want her to worry unnecessarily. So I was honest (but brief) in my answer, and she quickly moved the conversation on to something else.

Yesterday she asked if you close your eyes when you are dead.  And when I said yes, she asked if you can see in heaven.  She said she thought that the sun and the clouds were really bright up there and that it was spring and summer all the time. And that she thought Bops probably helps God send down the snow to us.

She really thinks about things.  Deeply.

I was at the cemetery yesterday, and what I kept thinking about was how much my girls (and my sisters' future kids) will miss out on by not having my dad around.

It breaks my heart that they won't have that relationship with him.  I know how that feels, as my Grampy died when I was a toddler.  And growing up there were times that I was so sad that I never really knew him.

But as January comes to a close...this dark and cold month...I am trying really hard to work on that gratitude thing again.  And the SHINE BRIGHT thing again.

At bedtime each night, I ask Callie to tell me what her "bright shiny" moment of the day was.  Her responses are varied and adorable.  She finds the good in so many things.

I need to do a better job of asking myself to find "bright shiny" moments.  I really do feel lucky that I have so much to be grateful for.

And one thing, always, is how amazing it was to watch my dad be Bops.

January 2012