Be prepared, I'm about to get real.
I've spent so much time writing about the number 3 because of our experiences with the terrible-threes, that I've really just kind of avoided the subject of 2...and what I mean by 2 is doubling the number of children we currently have.
As the size of my belly grows, so does my fear of that number. My pregnancy brain has made me feel fairly incoherent these days, so I'm just going to put a lot of thoughts down that are in no particular order and hope that I can express what I want to express.
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First off, I feel ridiculous even having this much anxiety. I'm obviously SO thankful that we are having another child. SO SO SO SO SO THANKFUL. And then I think about Chris' parents who went from a family of 3 to a family of 5 with the arrival of the twin boys...and I also think about Chris' cousin Simone and her husband Tyler who went from a family of 3 to a family of 6 with the arrival of their triplet boys...and I think to myself,
Get over it, self, you'll be fine. But no matter if you're going from 3 to 4 or 3 to 6, the fear of the unknown is going to be there. And I'm living in that fear right now.
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We're sitting pretty here in the land of 1 child. We're dealing with the mood swings and ups and downs that toddler hood brings but we're able to play a little zone defense because there are two adults. Two of us can sometimes barely handle our 1. This summer we're going to be moving into the land where we'll have to play man-to-man. My coveted "me" time will be drastically reduced, our lovely uninterrupted sleeps will be done for, and...well...there is always the scary thought of dealing with diaper blowouts again.
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Most of our friends that have kids already have more than one. We have had the benefit of seeing a number of families transition from 3 to 4 fairly close up. We're obviously not there for the middle of the night shenanigans and the lack of sleep and then ins and outs of having 2. But what we don't see, our friends have been pretty good about being honest and telling us about. It is a wee bit scary to hear their stories sometimes.
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If you know us well, you know that Chris and I are HARDCORE about sleep schedules. We don't venture out between 1:00 and 3:00 because we would rather lose a limb than miss out on nap time. And if there is an evening event scheduled that will go past 8:00, well, you'll only see one of us there. Because there is no way in heck we're messing with bed time. When Callie and I were in Duluth, I put Callie down at either nap time and bed time and, so as to not disturb her ability to fall asleep, I put pillows in the bath tub and hung out there. In the hotel bathroom. It was glamorous as you can see.
(After I told this to my friend Adrea, she questioned why I didn't just relax take a real bath...to which I was all,
OMG, why DIDN'T I take a take a real bath??? And then we giggled a lot about pillows in the tub and my pregnancy brain.)
When I was in the pillow tub I did realize the ridiculousness of the situation, and texted my parents (who were on vacation in Arizona) asking how they got three of us to sleep in many many hotel rooms on vacations throughout the years of our childhoods. My dad just texted back from AZ with the very wise words "We are drinking wine and eating pizza...parenting is a challenge!!!"
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THE MOM GUILT. I'm terrified of the guilt I'm going to feel when I can't help Callie when she needs it or I can't give her the attention she wants like she is used to getting. While I know that she needs her world to be rocked a little bit (can you say DIVA?), I worry about how our relationship will change as I open my heart to this other little diva.
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Whenever I'm home with Callie and want to go do something, we do. She is easily portable and generally behaves in public. I'm scared of losing the ease of travel. How in the world do you wrangle a toddler into the car while holding a baby carrier?
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There are many other small concerns I have, but I'll stop there before I totally make myself hyperventilate.
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But with all the anxiety and questions and lack of confidence in my abilities to multi-task, I am SO. FREAKING. EXCITED. for Hamsie to join our world and make our 3 into a 4. To make me a mom of 2 instead of 1. And to make Callie a big sister. I can not WAIT for Callie to be a big sister. She is going to be amazing. And I can't wait to watch their sister bond form and grow and flourish. I can't wait for Callie to help with diaper changes and feedings and play time. I can't wait for her to introduce her to all things princesses and pink and purple. I can't wait to see how they are similar. I can't wait to see how they are different. I can't wait to compare their pictures at every age (prepare to see A LOT of side-by-side shots on this blog once #2 comes!). I can't wait to watch Chris fall in love with yet another little girl. I can't wait to pick out her name (haven't really thought about it much yet, in case you were wondering). I can't wait for our families to see us go from 3 to 4, and to support us in the same amazing way they do now. I just can't wait.
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My friend Melissa, who recently made the transition from a mom of 1 to 2, wrote a beautiful post
about having 2 a couple months in to the experience. Her words reminded me that all those fears and doubts I have are okay, and that all of it is totally and completely worth it.
