3 Years

It’s Saturday morning at 6:30am and I’m out on a run. It’s a pretty wooded area around a small pond. 

For the past couple of years the month of April has been one to just get through, and this year I feel like I barreled through, with the added struggle of my Grammy’s death.

It all caught up to me during my run and I have had a good cry. 

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I’ll be posting this on Monday, April 30th, 2018. On this day in 2015 my dad died suddenly and my family’s world completely shifted.

Three years.

It seems like just yesterday and also like an eternity. Like this is how life has always been, but with 33 years of happy memories that have some sharp edges.  It feels confusing.

The initial shock and anguish of grief has lessened significantly. The times of joy and contentment are many. 

But every once in awhile something knocks you off your feet a bit. For me, it is dreams.

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I don’t dream about my dad often. I’ve had maybe 3 or 4 of them since he died. But a few months ago I did dream about him and it was so vivid. Our family was on vacation. We were in some combination of a tropical location and a Disney theme park, which totally makes sense if you know how my family always traveled. In my dream it was early in the morning and I was by myself down on the beach by the water. All of a sudden I heard my dad’s voice behind me, clear as day, calling my name.  Calling to me to come join the rest of the family for our next adventure.

And then I woke up. And then all I could think about was that I heard his voice again. I remembered it in my dream.

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There’s a song in the show “Waitress” where the main character sings about her mother who passed away. The song is beautiful and the lyrics are poignant. She sings about her dreams.

Sometimes I still see her

My mother the dreamer

She'd say, "Nothing's impossible child"

A dream needs believing

To taste like the real thing

Like some stranger you recognize

So pure, so pure, so electric

So sure, so sure, so connected

To those little believers inside

May we all be so lucky

But dreams are elusive

The kind we've gotten used to

Is nothing I can feel

Nothing I can hold, nothing I can have, nothing that I know

Dreams come and they go

But hold them and keep them (but hold them and keep them)

And know that you need them (and know that you need them)

When your breaking point's all that you have 

A dream is a soft place to land

May we all be

So lucky.

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I like thinking that dreams are soft places to land instead of things that knock us off our feet. And that we should feel lucky and thankful for them.

It reminds me of the word we have hung on to for three years. 

Gratitude.

I love you, Dad. And I miss you so much.

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(If you’d like to hear “Soft Place to Land” by Sara Bareilles, you can find it here.)